Cross Your Fingers, Hold Your Toes
by being together
Summary: "I feel like I'm being split in two. I love my mom, but I love you too. I don't understand why I have to keep the two most important people in my life separate." - Quinn contemplates the potential consequences of finally coming out to her mother.


"Do you ever regret it?"

The question is whispered into the darkened room. It's been a few minutes since they said their goodnights, so Quinn isn't sure if she'll get a response. But she does, in the form of a quiet "That depends on what the hell you're talking about."

Quinn waits a moment before she reconsiders. "It's nothing. Never mind. Forget I said anything." She turns over, kicking herself for bringing this up _now_. Quinn hopes Santana will let it go.

She doesn't. "No, come on. What is it?" Santana asks with less bite than before. Quinn feels herself being wrapped up from behind in Santana's arms. Now she _really_ wishes she hadn't asked.

She sighs before whispering, "Do you ever regret telling your grandmother?" She knows she doesn't have to specify what she means when she feels Santana tense up behind her, and Quinn is grateful that her girlfriend doesn't completely pull away.

They never talk about this. It's still an understandably sore subject for Santana, but for some reason, Quinn really wants to know the answer.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I don't know, Santana." A pause. "You don't have to answer. I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's just go to sleep."

"Are you thinking about telling your mom about us?" Santana asks, astute as ever.

"I...I don't know. Maybe?" She turns over so she can actually look at Santana. "I hate having to keep you a secret from her." She remembers back to her mother's last visit.

It had been a tense weekend, to say the least. Judy Fabray had unexpectedly shown up at her daughter's doorstep on what was supposed to be a quiet weekend in for Quinn and Santana. Their work schedules had been keeping them busy, so they had specifically set that weekend aside to finally relax and reconnect with each other.

What was supposed to be an orgasm-filled few days turned into a stressful nightmare for Quinn. She hadn't told her mother that she and Santana shared the one bedroom apartment. For all Judy knew, Santana was just Quinn's friend who _also _happened to drop by for the weekend.

She hated having to create lies to explain Santana's presence, especially after seeing the pain in her eyes after Quinn had denied the true nature of their relationship. Santana knew how much Quinn's relationship to her mother meant, so she never forced the issue of coming out. Quinn was grateful for that, but still. She was growing increasingly tired of this disconnect.

That weekend weighed heavily on Quinn's mind, even after her mother had gone back to Lima. Every quiet moment was spent debating with herself, wondering whether or not she should just bite the bullet and tell her mom the truth. But every time she played the potential scene out in her head, the memories of her sixteen-year-old self being kicked out of her home came flooding back. She couldn't stomach the thought of another rejection.

"I feel like I'm being split in two," Quinn says. "I love my mom, but I love you too. I don't understand why I have to keep the two most important people in my life separate."

"Do you think she'll be okay with it?" Santana asks.

There are times when Quinn truly believes that her mother loves her enough to accept her for who she is. But there are other times that lead her to believe otherwise. She'll be talking to her mom on the phone while Judy watches the news. She'll hear the disdain in her mother's voice as another celebrity comes out of the closet.

"It's one thing to be _that way _in the privacy of your own home," her mother says, "but to parade it around for all to see? It's immoral, and it makes me sick to my stomach, quite frankly." Quinn has to force herself to bite her tongue in these moments before quickly changing the subject to something less volatile.

Quinn looks at Santana with uncertainty. "I honestly don't know how she would react. All signs point to anger and disappointment, but a part of me is still hoping that she'll be able to see past her close-mindedness and realize that nothing's changed. That I'm still her daughter." She sighs, "Is that dumb? Am I being too naive?"

Santana reaches forward to move a stray hair out of Quinn's face as she speaks. "I don't know, Quinn. I can't speak for you or your mom," she says quietly.

A contemplative look passes over her features before she speaks again. "I came out to my abuela because it was killing me not to. It was eating away at me every day and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I knew the risk, but I guess I thought she loved me enough to look beyond it. That she'd see that I was still her granddaughter."

Santana looks away and is quiet for a moment before she continues. "Do I miss her? Of course I do, but I _am_ glad I told her. It lifted a weight off my shoulders that I didn't realize I was carrying. So, to answer your question: no. I don't regret it. It really hurt that things didn't work out like I'd hoped, but I can truly say I'm a stronger person for it."

She can still see the conflict in Quinn's eyes, so she leans in and a presses a gentle kiss to her lips.

"I'm not saying the same thing will happen to you if you do decide to tell her. It could be better, it could be worse. But whatever you decide, I'm with you, okay? I'll always be here for you, whatever you do."

A small smile graces Quinn's features and she whispers a soft "Thank you" before pressing her lips to Santana's once more. Several moments pass before they finally break apart.

They stare at each other for a moment before Santana suddenly grows serious as she says, "But don't get it twisted, Fabray. I'm here for you, as long as it's reasonable. If you decide to join some sort of devil worshipping mega cult, I'm outta here."

Quinn raises her eyebrows at this as Santana continues, "I'm not about to become possessed by some ancient demon or turned into a human sacrifice. I'm way too fucking hot to get taken out like that."

She's smiling now, and the mood lightens. Quinn is grateful for the shift, so she lets out an exaggerated sigh. "Will we ever have a sweet moment that isn't ruined by your inanity?"

"Probably not," she replies with a smirk. "I'm a moment ruiner. What can I say? It's a gift."

Quinn suppresses a smile and rolls her eyes as she turns over, pulling Santana's arm around her as she goes. "I really do hate that I love you so much."

"No you don't," she says through a yawn as she snuggles in closer to Quinn from behind. She presses a final kiss to Quinn's shoulder and murmurs "G'night Q", before quickly falling into a deep slumber.

Quinn's thoughts are still busy with what they had just discussed. She still hasn't really made up her mind about what she's going to do yet. When she does finally drift off, still wrapped securely in Santana's arms, she's a little more confident that she'll pull through, no matter what the future holds.


End file.
